Music of My Life

Music.  One word, but wow, all sorts of different thoughts, images, sounds, and events pop up in my mind.  You see I was surrounded by music from birth.  Mom loved listening to the radio, Dad was in chorus and band when he was in high school and he listened to the radio when milking the cows.  My big sister owned our record player and my big brother sang a lot.  My maternal grandfather was always whistling and Gram, well, she loved her record player. Yeah, I grew up with music and I know, a lot of people did; but is one of your earliest memories is singing:  "Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care"  at the top of your voice?  It is mine. Oh and "three blind mice"...I was well on my life's musical journey.  As a matter of fact, music would and still does fill my life.  By the time I graduated high school, music had a deep hold on me.  You know what I mean!  Certain songs bring up memories, and you sing along with them.
Yeah, I loved music.  Then something happened...it's hard to explain, but I lost my love and in doing so, I lost a huge part of me.  Music suddenly annoyed me.  It seemed to be harsh, metallic, and fake.  The music in my life was filled with lost, depression, and anger.  There was no escape from its joyless sounds. I stopped listening, singing, humming, and whistling.  No life, no hope, no joy.  Just the blaring, squawking, and chaotic sounds of an uncaring world.
Yeah, wonderful.  A loss soul wandering through life with no compass to guide me.  Fun times.  Watching others, seeing their joy, their hardships, their hopes, their lives filled with music throughout it all.  Not for me. It was gone.  Music, the center of my life, lost and me, a wraith filled with darkness.  You see, this is what happened to me when depression took me into its grip.  My counselor told me to stop holding in my anger...so much anger and no way to release it.  Death seemed like a great alternative....So many deep, dark images and thoughts...all through my early twenties; raging within myself; blaming myself; losing to the darkness at times; fighting back to see a pinpoint of light; never hearing the music of life; yet, straining to listen.  The funny thing is I didn't do what a lot of people do who suffer from mental illness, I didn't do illegal drugs, no drinking, so stupid things...no I withdrew from life instead.  You know the scene in Twilight: New Moon, where Bella just sits in her room coiled in a fetus position for several months...that was me. That movie really portrayed what I felt and thought during my dark silent time.  I went through the motions of life, but didn't really live.  I put on a front for my friends and family...they knew I was different, but didn't know how.  I dated, did all that stuff...but no one could break through the wall I had put up around me.  No one. Yeah, lovely.
Finally, change.  A window opened and light descended upon me.  I heard something....something magical, something with rhythm., something beautiful.  I listened and heard the music of a red wing blackbird.  Weird, right?  Not for me, that type of bird is one I love to hear to this day for it's song is what brought me back to life.  After that, a robin, a seagull, the chattering of squirrels, the laughter of children, music to my ears and my life.  A rainbow filled the sky and filled my heart and mind with music.  The fantastic sounds of Glenn Miller, Duke Ellington, and Harry James!  The sultry voices of Rosemary Clooney and Arethra Franklin.  The beautiful harmony of the Andrew Sisters and believe it or not, Reo Speedwagon.  Prince, Madonna, Phil Collins, Lionel Richie, Honeydrippers, and Simple MInds were all a part of my renewal.  A rebirth into life, a changed and more adult love for the music which sparked my soul back into my mind and heart; and with this a new outlook on the world and myself.
Oh, I would still battle the darkness many more times. My depression is a part of me, but now I understand that it's hold is due to chemical imbalances in my brain which are treatable with the right medicines and people I surround myself with.  The depression is genetic, and my daughter suffers from it now.  She too, descended into a darkness and with time, care, medicine, and love, she is back in the light as well.  It is an illness which many hide or never talk about, but its out there and can grip anyone in its hands, but there is help.
For me, it was the music of my life which brought me back.  I still flounder at times, there are days when music is annoying to me, but then I find the right actions to bring my serotonin levels back up and the beauty of a mockingbird is mine to here.  The cries of blue jays and the chirp of cardinals fill the air and movement of cicadas legs are a joy to hear.  The back beat of jazz is music I love and when I think back, jazz was pretty much the major influence of my life.  From Louie Armstrong to Brian Culberston, jazz is a fixed part of me.  Yeah, the music of my life, so thanks for being a part of it and enjoy some music....how about Lady Gaga singing "Orange Colored Sky" ....enjoy!