Music. One word, but wow, all sorts of different thoughts, images, sounds, and events pop up in my mind. You see I was surrounded by music from birth. Mom loved listening to the radio, Dad was in chorus and band when he was in high school and he listened to the radio when milking the cows. My big sister owned our record player and my big brother sang a lot. My maternal grandfather was always whistling and Gram, well, she loved her record player. Yeah, I grew up with music and I know, a lot of people did; but is one of your earliest memories is singing: "Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care" at the top of your voice? It is mine. Oh and "three blind mice"...I was well on my life's musical journey. As a matter of fact, music would and still does fill my life. By the time I graduated high school, music had a deep hold on me. You know what I mean! Certain songs bring up memories, and you sing along with them.
Yeah, I loved music. Then something happened...it's hard to explain, but I lost my love and in doing so, I lost a huge part of me. Music suddenly annoyed me. It seemed to be harsh, metallic, and fake. The music in my life was filled with lost, depression, and anger. There was no escape from its joyless sounds. I stopped listening, singing, humming, and whistling. No life, no hope, no joy. Just the blaring, squawking, and chaotic sounds of an uncaring world.
Yeah, wonderful. A loss soul wandering through life with no compass to guide me. Fun times. Watching others, seeing their joy, their hardships, their hopes, their lives filled with music throughout it all. Not for me. It was gone. Music, the center of my life, lost and me, a wraith filled with darkness. You see, this is what happened to me when depression took me into its grip. My counselor told me to stop holding in my anger...so much anger and no way to release it. Death seemed like a great alternative....So many deep, dark images and thoughts...all through my early twenties; raging within myself; blaming myself; losing to the darkness at times; fighting back to see a pinpoint of light; never hearing the music of life; yet, straining to listen. The funny thing is I didn't do what a lot of people do who suffer from mental illness, I didn't do illegal drugs, no drinking, so stupid things...no I withdrew from life instead. You know the scene in Twilight: New Moon, where Bella just sits in her room coiled in a fetus position for several months...that was me. That movie really portrayed what I felt and thought during my dark silent time. I went through the motions of life, but didn't really live. I put on a front for my friends and family...they knew I was different, but didn't know how. I dated, did all that stuff...but no one could break through the wall I had put up around me. No one. Yeah, lovely.
Finally, change. A window opened and light descended upon me. I heard something....something magical, something with rhythm., something beautiful. I listened and heard the music of a red wing blackbird. Weird, right? Not for me, that type of bird is one I love to hear to this day for it's song is what brought me back to life. After that, a robin, a seagull, the chattering of squirrels, the laughter of children, music to my ears and my life. A rainbow filled the sky and filled my heart and mind with music. The fantastic sounds of Glenn Miller, Duke Ellington, and Harry James! The sultry voices of Rosemary Clooney and Arethra Franklin. The beautiful harmony of the Andrew Sisters and believe it or not, Reo Speedwagon. Prince, Madonna, Phil Collins, Lionel Richie, Honeydrippers, and Simple MInds were all a part of my renewal. A rebirth into life, a changed and more adult love for the music which sparked my soul back into my mind and heart; and with this a new outlook on the world and myself.
Oh, I would still battle the darkness many more times. My depression is a part of me, but now I understand that it's hold is due to chemical imbalances in my brain which are treatable with the right medicines and people I surround myself with. The depression is genetic, and my daughter suffers from it now. She too, descended into a darkness and with time, care, medicine, and love, she is back in the light as well. It is an illness which many hide or never talk about, but its out there and can grip anyone in its hands, but there is help.
For me, it was the music of my life which brought me back. I still flounder at times, there are days when music is annoying to me, but then I find the right actions to bring my serotonin levels back up and the beauty of a mockingbird is mine to here. The cries of blue jays and the chirp of cardinals fill the air and movement of cicadas legs are a joy to hear. The back beat of jazz is music I love and when I think back, jazz was pretty much the major influence of my life. From Louie Armstrong to Brian Culberston, jazz is a fixed part of me. Yeah, the music of my life, so thanks for being a part of it and enjoy some music....how about Lady Gaga singing "Orange Colored Sky" ....enjoy!
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
A Wandering MInd Comes Full Circle
it's one of those moments when I can't think of anything to say. Hard to believe, I know, but I am actually unable to think up something to write about. One of the authors that I grew up loving, Mary Stewart, once wrote, "that if you are unable to think of something to write, just write anything". So this is what I'm dong, writing about anything that pops in my head. Should be fun, huh?
Hmmmmm. you know, my husband is great. He always makes me laugh and his own laughter is contagious. I've been in one part of a store and find him just by listening to his laughter; when I would find him, the people around him would be laughing as well! He is truly a blessing to me for I am quite a serious person. He is my soul mate; the yin to my yang.
Now my daughter is a gift which I treasure. She is so compassionate and works hard at understanding what it is like to walk in the shoes of someone else. She fills our life with joy and has brought so much love that it is amazing. I am so glad that she is my daughter and my friend. It makes me wonder how many others mothers feel this way about their children. Many do, I know that but I always wonder about the ones who don't seem to care. You know, the ones who kick their children out at the age of 18. The ones who say they can't wait to get rid of their children. I always wonder why? Why do you feel that way? Is it because you never wanted to have children and felt forced into it by society? I just don't get it. But then again, maybe I'm not suppose to. Maybe it's the way they were brought up. Maybe it's some sort of coming of age ritual. For me though, family is very important. It's how I was brought up. Family was what would be there for you when everyone else dumps you. Sad but true.
How many times have things go wrong and you find yourself alone? Well, not alone, there is usually a few people there. Members of the family and the closest of friends. Sometimes it isn't even a close friend, it's someone who is compassionate and cares about what you are going through. Why? Maybe they've been through it before and understands exactly how you feel. Maybe they just want to help and be the shoulder to lean on.
Yeah, lots of things on my mind. Like, I wonder who is going to win the stage tomorrow in the Tour de France; why are members of the GOP wanting to turn back the hands of time and live in the 1950s again; who will be the champion for civil rights, and why do people have so much hate in them. I think that is the thought that bothers me the most, the hate. So much hate being spewed around. Hate toward races, hate toward the LGBT community, hate between the Liberal and Conservatives; hate toward women; hate, hate, HATE! Yes, way to much hate. The saddest part to me is the hate being instigated and indoctrinated into its members by religious organizations. An incredibly sad and horrific serpent winding and slithering its way through people by hiding behind the words of God, bending and twisting them to feed the frenzy they cause. Hate is a terrible emotion, but that is all it is. An emotion, based upon fear and anger. Two other emotions which once formulated bend to the will of their master, Hate.
I know, I've written about it before, but it fascinates me. Not hate in itself, but how it comes into being. The knowledge that we, ourselves, create it through our own fears and anger. That we teach this same fear and anger to our children in order to keep hate a festering wound which never heals. But it can heal; through hope; through love; through understanding; through education; through learning; through listening; and most importantly through facing our own hatred, anger, and fear. It takes courage to that, but many already have. Some are famous for taking a stand against hate: Ghandi, Frederick Douglas, Martin Luther King, Jr., Susan B. Anthony, Benjamin Franklin, Mary Dyer, Catarina Sforza, Leonardo di Vinci, Martin Luther, Mohammed, Jesus Christ, Bhudda, and so many others. There are millions more who are not famous, but they stand up and deny hate to pass through them. These are the everyday people who are you and me. Yeah, us, we can stop the hate by saying as Gandalf did in The Fellowship: "You Shall Not Pass". If you need a more biblical inspiration how about Jesus saying Get behind me, Satan". Yeah, tell hate to take a hike and get out there and show love.
Hmmmm. Seems like there is quite a bit to write about. You know I love my family, they are full of fun and laughter which comes from love. Have a great night!.
Hmmmmm. you know, my husband is great. He always makes me laugh and his own laughter is contagious. I've been in one part of a store and find him just by listening to his laughter; when I would find him, the people around him would be laughing as well! He is truly a blessing to me for I am quite a serious person. He is my soul mate; the yin to my yang.
Now my daughter is a gift which I treasure. She is so compassionate and works hard at understanding what it is like to walk in the shoes of someone else. She fills our life with joy and has brought so much love that it is amazing. I am so glad that she is my daughter and my friend. It makes me wonder how many others mothers feel this way about their children. Many do, I know that but I always wonder about the ones who don't seem to care. You know, the ones who kick their children out at the age of 18. The ones who say they can't wait to get rid of their children. I always wonder why? Why do you feel that way? Is it because you never wanted to have children and felt forced into it by society? I just don't get it. But then again, maybe I'm not suppose to. Maybe it's the way they were brought up. Maybe it's some sort of coming of age ritual. For me though, family is very important. It's how I was brought up. Family was what would be there for you when everyone else dumps you. Sad but true.
How many times have things go wrong and you find yourself alone? Well, not alone, there is usually a few people there. Members of the family and the closest of friends. Sometimes it isn't even a close friend, it's someone who is compassionate and cares about what you are going through. Why? Maybe they've been through it before and understands exactly how you feel. Maybe they just want to help and be the shoulder to lean on.
Yeah, lots of things on my mind. Like, I wonder who is going to win the stage tomorrow in the Tour de France; why are members of the GOP wanting to turn back the hands of time and live in the 1950s again; who will be the champion for civil rights, and why do people have so much hate in them. I think that is the thought that bothers me the most, the hate. So much hate being spewed around. Hate toward races, hate toward the LGBT community, hate between the Liberal and Conservatives; hate toward women; hate, hate, HATE! Yes, way to much hate. The saddest part to me is the hate being instigated and indoctrinated into its members by religious organizations. An incredibly sad and horrific serpent winding and slithering its way through people by hiding behind the words of God, bending and twisting them to feed the frenzy they cause. Hate is a terrible emotion, but that is all it is. An emotion, based upon fear and anger. Two other emotions which once formulated bend to the will of their master, Hate.
I know, I've written about it before, but it fascinates me. Not hate in itself, but how it comes into being. The knowledge that we, ourselves, create it through our own fears and anger. That we teach this same fear and anger to our children in order to keep hate a festering wound which never heals. But it can heal; through hope; through love; through understanding; through education; through learning; through listening; and most importantly through facing our own hatred, anger, and fear. It takes courage to that, but many already have. Some are famous for taking a stand against hate: Ghandi, Frederick Douglas, Martin Luther King, Jr., Susan B. Anthony, Benjamin Franklin, Mary Dyer, Catarina Sforza, Leonardo di Vinci, Martin Luther, Mohammed, Jesus Christ, Bhudda, and so many others. There are millions more who are not famous, but they stand up and deny hate to pass through them. These are the everyday people who are you and me. Yeah, us, we can stop the hate by saying as Gandalf did in The Fellowship: "You Shall Not Pass". If you need a more biblical inspiration how about Jesus saying Get behind me, Satan". Yeah, tell hate to take a hike and get out there and show love.
Hmmmm. Seems like there is quite a bit to write about. You know I love my family, they are full of fun and laughter which comes from love. Have a great night!.
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