New Year’s Eve Enlightenment

 New Year’s Eve is a night filled with joy, with loss, with hope, with regret, and with enlightenment.  Every year celebrated every person fills this night with whichever vision they deem relevant.  Most choose joy and hope.  As for me, I despise it.  I have never enjoyed it.  At least not since I was 19 years old discovering the real value of friendship and the loss of loyalty, trust, and regret.  Yes, I was enlightened that New Year’s.  Friends pulling a prank that resulted in my intoxication.  The laughter, the humiliation, the sickness all ended my trust with friends and my caring for them.  I 

I know, many would have laughed and joined in with delight. Unfortunately, I am not like that.  I have been dealing with issues since my brother died and my parents divorced.  I had had to learn how to handle remarriages of my parents and the inclusion of step parents, and step siblings.  The learning never stopped. The way to celebrate holidays, birthdays, even just normal every day could lead to a moment of hurt or anxiety.  But we two younger girls from 2 different families did something amazing.  We joined together and became one family, 2 sisters who cared for the people who were mom and dad. It was hard, but we did it.  As I said though, I had been handling many things .  Yet, my friends and family had no idea of what I had been dealing with for the past year.  

Through the years, I have revisited that night many times.  Usually I block it, but every New Year’s Eve it rears it’s ugly head; that is until I finally resolved in my mind and heart.  One year I realized that no one knew about my battle.  A battle with mental illness.  They didn’t know about my suicidal thoughts, or my suicide attempt.  My mom and stepfather knew.  After my back injury, I went to them.  I should have stayed there.  I had changed completely.  The person my friends had known was gone.  Buried in the recesses of a mind injured by illness, an illness that’s runs deeply in my genetic code.  An illness which attacks leaving me exhausted, weak, and depressed.  PTSD raged at times and I relive Ivan’s death .  Sometimes it’s a daily occurrence, sometimes, I can go a couple of months without living it over.  This is the secret I lived with since I was 9.  When I was 18, I couldn’t deal with the belief that no one cared about me, that I lost my family when Ivan died.  No one knew or understood this.  Music was my savior.  My friends were my saviors without knowing.  My life was changed, nothing was going to be the same.  When I finally discovered this fact, I found peace, forgiveness, and healing.  Although, the mental illness is still a raging issue at times, medication, counseling, and a loving husband and daughter helps a great deal!  

So, on this New Year’s Eve, I lift a cup of cheer my friends for sulfur lang syne!  God bless you all and may we enjoy the friendship which has endured all these years!

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Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And days of auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet
For days of auld lang syne

We twa hae run about the braes
And pu'd the gowans fine
But we've wander'd mony a weary fit
Sin days of auld lang syne

And we twa hae paidl'd I' the burn
Frae morning sun 'til dine
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin days of auld lang syne

For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet
For days of auld lang syne

And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp
And surely I'll be mine
And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne

And there's a hand, my trusty fiere
And gie's a hand o' thine
And we'll tak a right gude-willy waught
For auld lang syne

For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne

For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syn

Christmas Bells

 Hmm…”sleigh bells ring; are you listening “!  Yes !  It’s the most wonderful time of the year!  Christmas is almost here!  Next Friday is Christmas Eve and kids everywhere will be watching the skies, waiting to catch sight of that sleigh being pulled through the sky by eight reindeer; driven by a man in a red suit , a white beard, and laughing all the while!  I say “let the kids watch for a bit, many will hear the jingle of the bells and race off to bed!  After all, Santa Claus won’t stop by until all the children in the house are asleep! You can trust my words, after all I heard them in 1967 and still hear them today!

Truly!  I heard them!  It was a cold Christmas Eve.  I had been playing outside of our farm house all day long.  The front yard was filled with snowmen and snow angels!  Along the driveway I had built a snow fort where I proceeded to pelt my big sister, Dawn and big brother, Ivan whenever they came past!  Ahh!  Those were days of joy and laughter as Dawn and Ivan chased me!  I can see us now running, laughing, and the two of them dunking me in the snow!  

It was getting dark and Ivan joined Dad on the barn to do the evening milking and bedding down of the cows. Dawn headed to the house to help Mom and I, naturally, followed Ivan to the barn.  Once there, I “helped” feed the cows and other farm animals.  Dad had the radio on listening to Christmas music as the cows low in their stanchions. Ivan was shooting hoops while waiting for his cow to finish being milked before he moved on to the next.  The barn cats mewed wanting fresh milk which Dad gave them!  Oh it was warm and cozy in the barn!  Just think about Mary giving birth to the baby, Jesus in a place like this!  It would have been a nice warm private place.  Finally, Dad, saw me playing with the cats and sent me up to the house with me grumbling all the while.  

Hanging up my snow coat, and pulling off my snow boots was a bit of a production, but I carried it off , doing my best to sneak into the dining room where Dawn and Mom had Christmas albums playing on the phonograph.  Mom had dinner well under way and the aroma of fresh baked biscuits and hearty beef stew filled the kitchen and dining room.  I slithered my way under the table and patted the claw foots.  “Ha!  I did it! Mom hadn’t seen me!”

Well, she had.  She grabbed me by my feet, marched me into the bathroom and plopped into the bath.  Okay, so it wasn’t too bad.  I actually got to have a bubble bath and played with Mr Fuzzy Wuzzy!  I gave myself a bubble beard to look like Santa Claus and soon had created a bubble man!  I was nice and clean when Mom checked on me.  Out of the tub, a towel rub down, into the pink pajamas, then the pink slippers, the pink robe, and finally, my pink eyeglasses.  Poor Mom, she loved the color pink and I was her little girl all in pink.  Little did she know I hated the color pink and did my best to hide anything pink she bought.  “Sigh, she must have bought these for Christmas.  I was a pink nightmare!”  Oh well.  I went running back into the dining room and begged Dawn to play my favorite Christmas song.  It was on a 45 and she hemmed and hawed, but finally put it on!  I loved it!  I was running around the table with my pink arms out flying my imaginary WW1 plane!  As I listened to my song I was singing along all the while looking for that archenemy, the Red Baron!  Dawn just watched me and when the song ended, I begged her to play it again!  I hadn’t seen Dad and Ivan come in not until Dad lifted me up making me giggle as he placed me in my spot at the table.  

I had been captured and now sat waiting for our little family to gather.  Bowls of steaming beef stew were placed in front of us.  A warm biscuit with butter dripping from it was placed beside me.  Mom and Dad, Dawn and Ivan gathered round me and we plunged into this delicious meal!  Mmmm, I can smell and taste it now!  Soon the supper was finished, nothing wasted, the dishes washed, we all relaxed in the living room watching Christmas specials on tv and loving the lights from our Christmas tree.  It was beautiful with all the colorful lights.  The bubble lights Dawn had bought caught my attention and I was spellbound.  So pretty to watch, curling up next to Mom who held me close I watched the bubbling twinkling lights; soon the droning of the tv, the warmth of the room, and the laughter from Ivan and Dawn did their job and I drifted off to sleep…

Jingle, jingle, jingle!  “What!  what was that?  “. Somehow I was in bed!  I crawled out and tried to look out my window! “Oh where are my glasses “?  I fumbled around until I found them , putting them on as I heard some more jingle bells.  “I can’t see him!”  Wait, I thought, the window in the hallway!  I should be able to see from there!  “Jingle, jingle, jingle “. Where is he?  “Jingle, jingle, jingle “. It’s further away.  “Did I miss him?”  I kept looking out the window, but now the sounds of sleigh bells were gone.  As I stood there looking every which way I could, I jumped when I heard “Vonnie!  What are you doing out of bed?”

“I heard Santa’s sleigh bells, Ivie!  I really did!”  “Oh you did” , he laughed back at me!  “ Well, maybe you better get back in bed, so we can make sure he has come by !  Come on!”  He lifted me up and carried me back to bed making sure to take care of my glasses.“Now go to sleep after all it’s almost Christmas morning !”  Out the door he went, leaving me to tremble, thinking of how I almost so Santa Claus!  But, the busy day and the warm bed soon put me to sleep once again.  

Slam!  “Come on Vonnie!  Are you planning on sleeping all Christmas morning?”  Dawn and Ivan raced each other to the stairs with me trotting after them.  Dawn got to the door first and upon opening it , she stopped dead.  Of course, Ivan bumped into her and then me into him!  We must have looked like the Three Stooges crashing into the living room!  Mom and Dad heard the commotion and came from the kitchen with cups of coffee in their hands.  They shook their heads at our entrance from which we untangled ourselves.  Finally, I crawled around Dawn , stood and stared gaping at all the presents!  My stocking was filled and there was the grape juice we got every year!  Oh, Santa had come and I had heard his sleigh!  Dawn and Ivan stood around me grinning at each other over my head; kind of sending a secret message to each other!  I couldn’t believe all these wonderful things!  “Well, hand out the gifts Dawn, Ivan!” Exclaimed Dad!  Mom sat next to him nodding her head at my two older sister and brother!  It was a wonderful Christmas!  I got a tractor, a wagon, a dump truck, and a new book!  I loved them all!  It was a lot and I couldn’t believe they were mine!  But there was one thing I believed , I knew I heard the bells from Santa’s sleigh!

Now, I told my daughter this story, but she says it was Ivan and Dawn who shook some bells outside!  But I say, nope, it was Santa and you better listen for the bells every Christmas Eve!  Guess what!  She heard the bells and believes and if you listen and believe you will hear them too!  

Merry Christmas and may you have the faith to hear the bells!

A Faded Dream

 A long time ago I once had a dream of buying back our family farm. Not that there is much left, the barns are gone, but the house and land filled my head with hope and creativity.  I had drawn everything out, measured distances, created a wonderful dream.  The farm would become a Bed and Breakfast.  There would be trails to hike , fishing, exploring, organic farming , a few dairy cows, primitive camping, swimming, cross country skiing, sledding, gathering sap from maple trees and making syrup, not to mention berrying!  

Ah yes!  The dream was of a natural place to enjoy Nature!  A photographer’s oasis of wildlife and nature.  The beauty of Autumn colors, the stillness of Winter, the renewal of Spring, and the passion of Summer.  All would be enjoyable in my dream.  No 4x4s, no snowmobiles, no hunting.  Just a desire to share the beauty of Nature.  

A barn rebuilt to hold dances , a music hall of a sorts, a pub in a way, serving meals made of homegrown vegetables and breads. A bakery, a creamery, a shop filled with antiques and crafts.  I dreamed big, wanting to create a place of solitude and filled with life.  A little piece of Heaven on Earth.  Holidays celebrated to the fullest, wooden swings swaying, readers finding spots to lay a blanket and fall into the story they hold in their hands.  Something for everyone and everybody.

It was a wonderful dream, a dream which faded as time and life moved forward.  Realities destroyed what the dream obscured.  Yet, the dream lingers on, an apple drops from a tree rolling towards me and I remember my childhood and the dream.  It whispers to me and I smile as I think of the planning and joy it gave me. Then an old poster of mine pops into my head “Happy are those who dream dreams and are willing to pay the price to make them come true”.  Well, my dream did not come true, but the dream filled me with joy and love, just for thinking of it and creating it’s ideal. A faded dream filled with love.  

Long haired Men

 I loved my Gramp Peak, but he did have his prejudices as we all do.  This reminds me of an occasion where he let loose his view on long haired boys/men in the 1960s.  He was watching the news and was riled up about the “rioting long haired college boys who needed to get their hair cut and go fight in Nam!”

Now Gramp learned something that day about spouting off in front of a child while not paying attention to something he and Gram had hanging right above their tv.

You see I stayed with them a great deal when I was sick and this particular day I was there.  I was sitting in the big chair in the tv room.  I wasn’t really paying too much attention to the tv.  You see Gramp and Gram had this cool lighted frame which if you looked at it one way had the famous artwork of Jesus.  When you switched to the right side, the artwork changed and became The Last Supper.  I was happily moving back and forth to watch the pictures change when Gramp ( irritated) declared his thoughts on long haired men.  Gram was sitting in her rocking chair and basically just looked at him.  

Me, I’m staring at the pictures of the men in the Last Supper and Jesus when I turned and looked at Gramp.  Pointing at the picture I said to him, “But Grampy, Jesus had long hair!”

You could hear Gram trying to stifle snickers while Gramp looked between me and her.  Finally, he got up left the room and went out the back door.

“Grammy, did I say something wrong?”

No, Vonnie, you didn’t.  You just reminded your Gramp of something.  Now go back to playing.”

Which I did.  

I love and miss those two a great deal…

July 3, 1863

July 3, 1863

11:18 pm

I finally found time to set down an’ write in my little journal.  It’s been a long day of blood, battles, an’ loss.  I may be a Yankee, but I sure do not understand what them rebels thought they were goin’ to do.  We were entrenched really good on Cemetery Ridge.  Lots of protection from the Rebs sharpshooters and cannons.  The Rebs were across this field up on Seminary Ridge.  We set there watching them try to get lined up a lot of the morning.  My fellow Vermonters and I just scratched our heads and wondered when the Rebs were goin’ to finally start shooting.  

We did hear a battle going on over on Culp’s Hill… after awhile it seemed to Peter out and the word came through that we had defeated the Rebs there.  We all give a huge cheer and went back to keeping an eye on the Rebs, making’ sure they didn’t get their sharpshooters closer.  

Then about 1:00 pm the cannons started firing.  The Rebs couldn’t seem to get their cannons to hit nothin’!  They was way short or way long.  My captain sent me and Ollie down to t’ Pennsylvania line to see if we had new orders, but we was told to stay put and “hold t’ line”.  

Funny thing about the cannons, we overshot the Rebs batteries too!  But when we missed the cannons, we hit their infantry!  Talk about getting rid of the Rebs!  Finally, the barrage stopped. It was hot as hell by then.  Ya couldn’t see anything due to the smoke!  Some of the men got scared we’d lost all our cannons; others just set back, drank a little water, covered their noses with bandanas to rid the smoke, and made sure their rifles and pistols were loaded.  I checked my rifle, made sure my bayonet was attached, checked my Bowie knife and tomahawk were ready and found a nice tree to slither up and wait in. 

Then the Rebs did the dumbest thing they could have done.  They started marching, in formation across the field!  A field that was about 2 miles from us!  Yeah, they looked like they went on forever!  It looked like the whole South was there!  They was just a marchin’ along.  Still we waited.  The Rebs were gettin’ close when suddenly our cannons opened up on them !  Little Colonel Freeman McGilvery’s  artillery opened fire on the Rebs from where they had been hidden just north of Little Round Top!  They raked the Rebs right flank with their accuracy!  Then our cannons on Cemetery Hill opened up hittin’ the Rebs left flank!  That marchin’ line didn’t look so good as holes began appearin’!  The holes would fill up only to be blown open again and less and less Rebs were fillin’ in .  The Rebs started chargin’ when they was about 400 yards away!  But they didn’t know about the Ohioans riflemen!  When the Ohioans opened fire, the Rebs didn’t know what hit them!  They turned around and hightailed it back to Seminary Ridge and beyond.  They even got some other Reb divisions to hightail back to the South with them!  I reckon they didn’t stop runnin’ until they got back to Virginia! The Ohioans turned their attention to the new left Reb flank and soon had them hightailing it as well!  

Meanwhile, we was shootin’ as well!  The Rebs broke a hole through,  but they weren’t there long,  most were on the ground dead or dyin’!  

More of our artillery opened up and Reb body parts were raining own all over that field.  It was a huge win for us in the Union!  

Funny thing about the battle, it didn’t even last an hour; yet, the Rebs lost a lot of men. Over 1,123 dead; 4,019 wounded; 3,750 captured…. We lost a lot as well , but not nearly as many as the Rebs.  We had 1,500 men dead or wounded.  My buddy, Ollie, was one of those wounded… looks like he will be sent back home..

As fer me, I’ve been going through the field with the other medics.  Pickin’ through the piles of bodies, parts, and wounded, we’ve gotten the Union men to the hospital tents.  We’re waiting fer the Rebs to come get their wounded.  When we saw they was in full retreat, we brought their wounded to our doctors.  We worked on naming the dead in both.  We tagged them and put them in an order of states .  One Reb division had no one left, so we riffled through their personal belongings hoping to find who they were…. Some were just goin’ to unknown.  I couldn’t help but think about the families they left behind never knowing what happened to their son, father, uncle.  

Now I’m hoping to go to sleep, but the moanin’ and groanin of the wounded is heard throughout.  The Reb who was with me searchin the dead was a drummer boy, looking for his 2 brothers.  The boy was only 10, his brothers were 15 and 17.  We found them, laying next to one another.  One dead, one severely wounded.  One wearing grey, the other blue.  I made the the boy change into a blue uniform we found on a dead soldier.  It was big, but I made sure he and his Union brother stayed together.  I made arrangements for their other brother to be buried with the Reb dead.  A 15 year old boy, shouldn’t be being buried all because some rich Rebel man didn’t want to fight and hired this boy to take his place!  All for the sum of 15$ confederate.  I gotta stop thinkin.  I’ve lived through another battle and I gotta get ready for tomorrow….