It's Christmas Time in the City

Having been born and raised in the country, I enjoyed the feel and faithful convictions of a small town Christmas. It was a time of gathering together and reminiescing of times past. Memories of Christmas Pageans at the school where the big gym was fill with parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles and children of all ages participating. The knowledge that you were surrounded by everyone you knew was comforting and created a wonderful feeling abd image of the perfect Christmas. Then in a blink of an eye it all changed, Drastically. One moment I was that kid the next a young woman who had left the known went to the unknown, then came back to the town of childhood. Only to discover that I no longer felt the same about it. I spent a couple of years trying to recapture the feelings and comfort I had once felt, but it was gone. The people had changed; the the feel of the community was different; reality had been altered. The truth was I was different or was the unease, the need to see and do different things had always been there? Just buried beneath layers of social conditioning and traditions which seemed to suddenlychoke me. I left the country and went to the big city where I lived in an apartment in my mother's and stepfather's house. They owned a three story home in Queens, NY. The walk up flat was my stepfather's doctor office. The second floor was their home. I was on the third floor. It was a two bedroom one bath apartment. Gas stove and oven. Air conditioned and all mine! I loved it! I was employed at Chase Manhattan Bank and took the bus to work. This first year though, I spent four weeks training at the Chase Manhattan center next to the Empire State building. My first Christmas in the big city! It was definitely different and that was what I wanted. You see in order to get to training on time I had to take a bus to the 7 line in Queens then grab the subway into 5th Ave. After that I could grab another bus, train, or walk. Me; I chose to walk. It was exhilerating! The people, the sounds, the traffic, the stores ...WOW! The most fascinating item of this first Christmas in the city was the buildi I was inn was jusy down the street from Macy's. Yeah; the kid from the country watched with amazement as Macy's decorated for the Thanksgiving Parade and the whole city was being dressed for the holidays. I wondered around Macy's and saw the television stations setting up and catching glimpses of the cameras and crew! This was big stuff for me! I watched the parade every year (still do) and this particular year I was watching how it was set up and filmed. Talk about fascinating! Suddenly the parade and Thanksgiving was over - Manhattan was in full glory. Santa's stood on corner s ringing bells; an aroma I had never known wafted from venders on other corners; it was roasted chestnuts! Real roasted chestnuts! The topline stores on 5th Avenue had volleyed o out doing one another with their incredible Christmas windows. People lined up to view them for they were unbelievable. Then on one of my last days in Manhattan I did something I had always wantec to do- I saw the Macy's Santa Claus! He was awesome and the entire. Floor Macy's had him on was a winter wonderland! Yes, everyone there is a Santa and he is at Macy's! (Except when he is at Disney World)! I was lost in a dream world of Christmas! I went to Rockefeller Center and saw the huge tree and the decorations there. I stood outside St Patrick's Cathedral watching the worshipers and listening to the Mass which was filled with musicm. How can I even describe or explain what this Christmas meant to me. For once the words cannot even be found to bring my feelings and thoughts to justice. It is a memory which I treasure with delight. At my apartment, my tree stands in the front window, shining with muli colored lights, a star and glistening ornaments. My kitten has attacked it and it survived! My home fills with the scent of cinnamon and baking. A couple of presens are under the tree...Christmas music plays from my stereo and Roddie, my kitten races upvsnd down the stairs. I look out onto the snow covered street saddened by the change; yet content with where I am. A new Christmas; a new life; a new me which would in a couple of years change again and find happiness iin a Southern Christmas. You see while I was struggling with who I was, and trying to heal from my mental illness, I discovered something about Myself. I'm actually a survivor. I've learned to be content with where I am. I enjoy the simple pleasures of country life and the excitement and exaltation of city life. It took me awhile to figure it out, but it did get through. My Christmas in the city was wonderful and actually is a favorite memory. My hometown? Its there... containing family and friends whom I love and miss. But then again whom I love and miss...Merry Christmas! To you all! from the kiid who remembes the past but enjoys the present to a higher extent abd the future with promise.

A Day in Time

What a day! Ever said that phrase? I have, many times. Usually when I've declared it, the day in question has been filled with problems, obstacles, and headaches or heartaches of all sorts. My thought today is why do we blame the day. Yeah; that's what I asked why do we blame the day? After all it is what I do and maybe you do as well. So let me rephrase it; why do I blame the day? What did the day do? Absolutely nothing but exist. A day is just a matter of time. The time which is lived in 24 hour blocks. I even reduce it to minutes and seconds for some events. So this thought is an acknowledgement that the problems and obstacles I have encountered are events I created myself. Wait they're my creations? Yepper! That day I got the speeding ticket.. my fault... I was speeding why; I was late. Why was I late, simple, the dogs got out and I had to catch them. How did the dogs get out? I I was takingthem out and droppeand dropped a mug of coffee. They ran out the door I had left opened and I was covered in coffee and a mess on the floor. Let's face it. I was a mess that day! Okay, so it was definitely my fault...it was also a hypothetical morning, but I just wanted to illustrate how things I blame ob others is actually my fault. After all it was dogs fault they got out, it was the cop's fault I got a ticket. The dogs yanked my arm and made me drop the coffee and mug. It's always someobne else's fault. The truth though....it was all my fault. So today, I want to start doing something different. I want to accept responsibility for my all the events I create in my day. Yes, I did it. It's my time in,my day to face reality and the truth. Want to join me. After all what a day is nothing morethan a phrase and I want my day to be more than that. I want it to be an important aspect of my life. Have a great day and enjoy all the moments of the time we are given in life. Even if it means taking responsibility.