New Year’s Eve Enlightenment

 New Year’s Eve is a night filled with joy, with loss, with hope, with regret, and with enlightenment.  Every year celebrated every person fills this night with whichever vision they deem relevant.  Most choose joy and hope.  As for me, I despise it.  I have never enjoyed it.  At least not since I was 19 years old discovering the real value of friendship and the loss of loyalty, trust, and regret.  Yes, I was enlightened that New Year’s.  Friends pulling a prank that resulted in my intoxication.  The laughter, the humiliation, the sickness all ended my trust with friends and my caring for them.  I 

I know, many would have laughed and joined in with delight. Unfortunately, I am not like that.  I have been dealing with issues since my brother died and my parents divorced.  I had had to learn how to handle remarriages of my parents and the inclusion of step parents, and step siblings.  The learning never stopped. The way to celebrate holidays, birthdays, even just normal every day could lead to a moment of hurt or anxiety.  But we two younger girls from 2 different families did something amazing.  We joined together and became one family, 2 sisters who cared for the people who were mom and dad. It was hard, but we did it.  As I said though, I had been handling many things .  Yet, my friends and family had no idea of what I had been dealing with for the past year.  

Through the years, I have revisited that night many times.  Usually I block it, but every New Year’s Eve it rears it’s ugly head; that is until I finally resolved in my mind and heart.  One year I realized that no one knew about my battle.  A battle with mental illness.  They didn’t know about my suicidal thoughts, or my suicide attempt.  My mom and stepfather knew.  After my back injury, I went to them.  I should have stayed there.  I had changed completely.  The person my friends had known was gone.  Buried in the recesses of a mind injured by illness, an illness that’s runs deeply in my genetic code.  An illness which attacks leaving me exhausted, weak, and depressed.  PTSD raged at times and I relive Ivan’s death .  Sometimes it’s a daily occurrence, sometimes, I can go a couple of months without living it over.  This is the secret I lived with since I was 9.  When I was 18, I couldn’t deal with the belief that no one cared about me, that I lost my family when Ivan died.  No one knew or understood this.  Music was my savior.  My friends were my saviors without knowing.  My life was changed, nothing was going to be the same.  When I finally discovered this fact, I found peace, forgiveness, and healing.  Although, the mental illness is still a raging issue at times, medication, counseling, and a loving husband and daughter helps a great deal!  

So, on this New Year’s Eve, I lift a cup of cheer my friends for sulfur lang syne!  God bless you all and may we enjoy the friendship which has endured all these years!

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Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And days of auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet
For days of auld lang syne

We twa hae run about the braes
And pu'd the gowans fine
But we've wander'd mony a weary fit
Sin days of auld lang syne

And we twa hae paidl'd I' the burn
Frae morning sun 'til dine
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin days of auld lang syne

For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet
For days of auld lang syne

And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp
And surely I'll be mine
And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne

And there's a hand, my trusty fiere
And gie's a hand o' thine
And we'll tak a right gude-willy waught
For auld lang syne

For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne

For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syn

Christmas Bells

 Hmm…”sleigh bells ring; are you listening “!  Yes !  It’s the most wonderful time of the year!  Christmas is almost here!  Next Friday is Christmas Eve and kids everywhere will be watching the skies, waiting to catch sight of that sleigh being pulled through the sky by eight reindeer; driven by a man in a red suit , a white beard, and laughing all the while!  I say “let the kids watch for a bit, many will hear the jingle of the bells and race off to bed!  After all, Santa Claus won’t stop by until all the children in the house are asleep! You can trust my words, after all I heard them in 1967 and still hear them today!

Truly!  I heard them!  It was a cold Christmas Eve.  I had been playing outside of our farm house all day long.  The front yard was filled with snowmen and snow angels!  Along the driveway I had built a snow fort where I proceeded to pelt my big sister, Dawn and big brother, Ivan whenever they came past!  Ahh!  Those were days of joy and laughter as Dawn and Ivan chased me!  I can see us now running, laughing, and the two of them dunking me in the snow!  

It was getting dark and Ivan joined Dad on the barn to do the evening milking and bedding down of the cows. Dawn headed to the house to help Mom and I, naturally, followed Ivan to the barn.  Once there, I “helped” feed the cows and other farm animals.  Dad had the radio on listening to Christmas music as the cows low in their stanchions. Ivan was shooting hoops while waiting for his cow to finish being milked before he moved on to the next.  The barn cats mewed wanting fresh milk which Dad gave them!  Oh it was warm and cozy in the barn!  Just think about Mary giving birth to the baby, Jesus in a place like this!  It would have been a nice warm private place.  Finally, Dad, saw me playing with the cats and sent me up to the house with me grumbling all the while.  

Hanging up my snow coat, and pulling off my snow boots was a bit of a production, but I carried it off , doing my best to sneak into the dining room where Dawn and Mom had Christmas albums playing on the phonograph.  Mom had dinner well under way and the aroma of fresh baked biscuits and hearty beef stew filled the kitchen and dining room.  I slithered my way under the table and patted the claw foots.  “Ha!  I did it! Mom hadn’t seen me!”

Well, she had.  She grabbed me by my feet, marched me into the bathroom and plopped into the bath.  Okay, so it wasn’t too bad.  I actually got to have a bubble bath and played with Mr Fuzzy Wuzzy!  I gave myself a bubble beard to look like Santa Claus and soon had created a bubble man!  I was nice and clean when Mom checked on me.  Out of the tub, a towel rub down, into the pink pajamas, then the pink slippers, the pink robe, and finally, my pink eyeglasses.  Poor Mom, she loved the color pink and I was her little girl all in pink.  Little did she know I hated the color pink and did my best to hide anything pink she bought.  “Sigh, she must have bought these for Christmas.  I was a pink nightmare!”  Oh well.  I went running back into the dining room and begged Dawn to play my favorite Christmas song.  It was on a 45 and she hemmed and hawed, but finally put it on!  I loved it!  I was running around the table with my pink arms out flying my imaginary WW1 plane!  As I listened to my song I was singing along all the while looking for that archenemy, the Red Baron!  Dawn just watched me and when the song ended, I begged her to play it again!  I hadn’t seen Dad and Ivan come in not until Dad lifted me up making me giggle as he placed me in my spot at the table.  

I had been captured and now sat waiting for our little family to gather.  Bowls of steaming beef stew were placed in front of us.  A warm biscuit with butter dripping from it was placed beside me.  Mom and Dad, Dawn and Ivan gathered round me and we plunged into this delicious meal!  Mmmm, I can smell and taste it now!  Soon the supper was finished, nothing wasted, the dishes washed, we all relaxed in the living room watching Christmas specials on tv and loving the lights from our Christmas tree.  It was beautiful with all the colorful lights.  The bubble lights Dawn had bought caught my attention and I was spellbound.  So pretty to watch, curling up next to Mom who held me close I watched the bubbling twinkling lights; soon the droning of the tv, the warmth of the room, and the laughter from Ivan and Dawn did their job and I drifted off to sleep…

Jingle, jingle, jingle!  “What!  what was that?  “. Somehow I was in bed!  I crawled out and tried to look out my window! “Oh where are my glasses “?  I fumbled around until I found them , putting them on as I heard some more jingle bells.  “I can’t see him!”  Wait, I thought, the window in the hallway!  I should be able to see from there!  “Jingle, jingle, jingle “. Where is he?  “Jingle, jingle, jingle “. It’s further away.  “Did I miss him?”  I kept looking out the window, but now the sounds of sleigh bells were gone.  As I stood there looking every which way I could, I jumped when I heard “Vonnie!  What are you doing out of bed?”

“I heard Santa’s sleigh bells, Ivie!  I really did!”  “Oh you did” , he laughed back at me!  “ Well, maybe you better get back in bed, so we can make sure he has come by !  Come on!”  He lifted me up and carried me back to bed making sure to take care of my glasses.“Now go to sleep after all it’s almost Christmas morning !”  Out the door he went, leaving me to tremble, thinking of how I almost so Santa Claus!  But, the busy day and the warm bed soon put me to sleep once again.  

Slam!  “Come on Vonnie!  Are you planning on sleeping all Christmas morning?”  Dawn and Ivan raced each other to the stairs with me trotting after them.  Dawn got to the door first and upon opening it , she stopped dead.  Of course, Ivan bumped into her and then me into him!  We must have looked like the Three Stooges crashing into the living room!  Mom and Dad heard the commotion and came from the kitchen with cups of coffee in their hands.  They shook their heads at our entrance from which we untangled ourselves.  Finally, I crawled around Dawn , stood and stared gaping at all the presents!  My stocking was filled and there was the grape juice we got every year!  Oh, Santa had come and I had heard his sleigh!  Dawn and Ivan stood around me grinning at each other over my head; kind of sending a secret message to each other!  I couldn’t believe all these wonderful things!  “Well, hand out the gifts Dawn, Ivan!” Exclaimed Dad!  Mom sat next to him nodding her head at my two older sister and brother!  It was a wonderful Christmas!  I got a tractor, a wagon, a dump truck, and a new book!  I loved them all!  It was a lot and I couldn’t believe they were mine!  But there was one thing I believed , I knew I heard the bells from Santa’s sleigh!

Now, I told my daughter this story, but she says it was Ivan and Dawn who shook some bells outside!  But I say, nope, it was Santa and you better listen for the bells every Christmas Eve!  Guess what!  She heard the bells and believes and if you listen and believe you will hear them too!  

Merry Christmas and may you have the faith to hear the bells!